Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
