im six kinds of drunk right now
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
