Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
