Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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