I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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