My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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