I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
