Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
