Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
