before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
Randomize
