Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
