you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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