i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
