It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
