i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
