Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
