how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
