People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
