My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Randomize
