Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
