Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
