I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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