last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
