i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
you made out with another girl for some wings
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
