No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
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