is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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