Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
