I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
