They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
