listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
