i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
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