dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
