did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
