Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Randomize
