My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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