i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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