so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
