You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
