I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
