Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
