This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Randomize
