it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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