Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Randomize
