Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
