When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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