Will you blow on my dice?
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
