Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
