Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
