She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
