booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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