If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
that is very illegal...i love you.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
