In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
