Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
