trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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